It's all about the performance

This morning, over a wonderful breakfast of scrambled eggs , my wife proclaimed “I tend to think that cricket is the greatest thing that God ever created on earth - certainly greater than sex, although sex isn't too bad either." Now I know a trap when I see one and this one had very sharp teeth poised to spring painfully shut if I managed to put my proverbial foot in it. So I paused before replying - not for effect you understand, but to desperately think whether I was supposed to agree with this statement or to counter with some reference to our thirty-odd years of married bliss - as being informed that our sex life wasn't 'too bad' I took as a real result.

 

Luckily before I could think of a reply that would guarantee I wasn't eating my last plate of scrambled eggs, my wife added with ill-disguised mirth, and without looking up from the newspaper, "well according to Harold Pinter that is". I wasn't sure whether her mirth was directed at the eyebrow-raising idea that cricket was better than sex or the scorn-raising notion that sex (with me at any rate) isn't too bad. Discretion being the better part of a succcesful marriage I busied myself with making the coffee and laughed along with her. But it got me thinking.

Clearly an asset to any team -
even without the proper protection

Perhaps, now that the cat was out of the kit bag as it were, I could turn this conversation to my advantage as I recalled that a few years ago, when Gary Kirsten was in charge of the India team, he issued all the players with a well-researched edict to have sex, and lots of it, as this was believed to be the key to add extra passion and agression into the players' performances (on the cricket field I assume). Kirsten's advice caused a ruckus at the time although I am not sure whether this was because it just increased the pressure to perform (in the bedroom that is) or whether some people were upset thay weren't given the opportunity to contribute to the research. But, I reminded myself, Kirsten did take India to become the number one Test team, so maybe this training regime has some merit worth persuing.

So, I decided, the road to success for me as a player, and the consequential positive results for my Sunday Socials team, is as clear as the benefit of a deep-heat muscle rub - a rigorous regime of heart-thumping sex before I stride out to dominate the bowling with forceful strokes to every part. All I have to do now is convince my wife of the benefits of her particpation in the programme and show her how to undo the straps holding my box in place. Thinking about it though, before risking the loss of scrambled eggs, perhaps I should practice by myself first.